Covidsutra, According to Thai Health Authority

On Saturday, the Department of Health warned against hook-ups with strangers as it could lead to another cluster of Covid-19, which could then spread to families and communities. Those who are considered at risk of contracting Covid-19, tested positive for it or waiting for the test results are also urged to refrain from sexy times.

Moreover, the health authority also laid down nine “safe sex” suggestions that lovers and married couples should follow during the Covid-19 era. I would like to add my two satangs to them (and dirtying up my own internet search history in the process) but let’s hear them out first.

1. Wash your hands. Wash your body with soap before and after coitus.

2. Refrain from French kissing or saliva swapping as Covid-19 viruses can be found in saliva.

3. Refrain from oral sex. Avoid anal sex as Covid-19 viruses can be found in fecal matter.

4. Use condoms, dental dams (for safer cunnilingus or anilingus), rubber gloves to reduce exposure to saliva and other bodily secretions.

5. Wear a fabric mask over a surgical mask to cover your nose and mouth during sexual intercourse to prevent the spreading of the virus through breathing and panting.

6. Avoid face-to-face positions and close face-to-face contact to reduce exposure to saliva or other secretions. Spend time together as little as possible.

7. Avoid group intercourse or partner swapping.

8. Use disinfectants such as 70% alcohol solutions, detergents or bleaches to clean the mattress or area where sexual activity happens.

9. Dispose of used condoms, dental dams, rubber gloves that have been contaminated with secretions in a bin with a closed lid.

While I’m sure these suggestions are all well-intended, some of them are simply sensible practices that responsible adults were already aware of since the pre-Covid-19 era, eg cleaning up after sex, washing the bedsheets on which the deed occurred and properly disposing of used condoms and such.

Tips No.2 to No.4 are made redundant by tip No.5, don’t you think? If you have to cover up the lower half of your face twice, how can you perform fellatio, cunnilingus and anilingus in the first place? But rubber gloves are kinda sexy though. TMI? We’re all adults here.

No face-to-face positions? Then I assume missionary positions are not-so-vanilla now since they involve partners facing each other in varying degrees of closeness. I’ve done some research on alternative positions that can be done while partners not facing each other and keeping a distance between their faces. These include reverse cowgirl, footy, axillary sex, intercrural sex and intergluteal sex. Don’t look them up on your office computer, obvi.

The health authority not only urges you to be creative with your positions but encourages quickies, too. Thanks for adding performance pressure, amiright?

Also, I clutched my pearls when I read No.7! I can’t believe that there are Thais who are so kinky that they have organised group intercourse and swinger gatherings. How dare they do this in our beautiful Buddhist country!

What do you sir mean by cleaning up an area where sexual activity happens in tip No.8? In Thai, it can be interpreted as cleaning your private areas with detergent and alcohol. Ouch!

All jokes aside, shouldn’t married couples who are Covid-free be allowed to have their sexy time in peace? Many couples and spouses these days, I assume, spend more time together while WFH, there are other opportunities for them to pass Covid-19 onto each other had they already have it.

The health authority certainly can encourage couples and people, in general, to err on the side of caution while doing the deed and I humbly think that it would be better for them to recommend masturbation, mutual masturbation via video, webcam sex and other forms of cybersex — something more practical — instead of tips that just put people off being intimate.

Heck, why not just legalise sex toys in Thailand if they’re really serious about people having safe sex in the Covid-19 era?! Oh right, we can’t do that because we’re a Buddhist country.